Posts Tagged ‘loved ones’

Remembering Practices

Losing a loved one is an inevitable aspect of everyone’s life, but the way we deal with this loss is strictly personal. There are many practices and techniques to stop grieving and start leading a normal life again, and it is up to you to find what will help you in the particular situation. Usually, your habits, beliefs and understanding of the world around us will affect the way you deal with loss and grief and you need to have in mind that nobody can claim with 100% what happens after someone leaves us. What you need to do is decide what your relationship with this person is.

While many specialists and bereavement professionals insist that the best way to get back to your normal life is to forget and let go, there are other equally powerful practices of dealing with grief. The core of the so-called Remembering Practices, developed by Lorraine Hedtke, is that there will be no grief to deal with if you realise that there is nothing you should grieve about. And here is how and why.

The fact that someone has stopped existing physically does not mean that they are no longer with us and no longer existing at all. Numerous sources related to religion, fiction, fantasy, philosophy, etc refer to ways in which a deceased person remains in the world. We don’t even need to explore the aspects of the supernatural to realise that our loved ones are still with us – the fact that we remember them and talk about them, have photos with them and know that they have existed, etches them forever in our memory.

If we acknowledge the fact that a person has lived and has marked the world with their existence, why should we say farewell and let go, if we can maintain a connection and relationship? Why should we stop grieving if we can talk, discuss, tell stories, remember the person and what they did when they were with us?

In this sense, losing someone is similar to reading a book. You are together and you have a great time, but at some point the book ends and many readers confess that they feel awful when they turn the last page. But that doesn’t mean you should throw the book away and try to forget about it. On the contrary, you will remember the book, you will discuss it with other people, you will speak about it, quote it, tell stories, maybe read it again and again. And you will have a sort of a never ending relationship, because every book changes the way we see the world.

While the relationship between people is far more complex than that between a reader and a book, the same principles apply. You cannot forget a person that has been in your life – trying to do so will only result in painful moments when you remember them. Instead, acknowledge that the person is no longer with you, but cherish the memory of them, the moments you have had together. Put your photos in a beautiful frame, get a personalised pendant with a picture of them, talk about them and talk TO them, think of the ways they changed you and influenced you.

There is nothing wrong in trying to maintain this relationship if that helps you live with your loss. If you find that the conventional process of saying farewell and letting go does not work for you, try the remembering practices and hopefully you will feel better and see the loss for what it is – a new beginning.